Encouragement and Advice in Small Groups

We must grasp once again, the idea of church membership as being the membership of the body of Christ and as the biggest honour which can come a man’s way in this world. – Martyn Lloyd-Jones

I must confess that, for most of my Christian life, I have been discontent with small groups. I have been a Christian for 13 years now, and outside of a few of those years, I have not ceased to have the feeling that our small groups could and should be better. That they are not all that they could be. That we are leaving much to be desired in the way of mutual love, and actually building each other up in Christ. It has not been uncommon for me to think: “Would it be better if we just shut this meeting down and started a prayer meeting instead?”

Here are a few of the most common things that I see that drag down a house church:

1. People seem to be showing up out of obligation, but do not seem excited to be there. 

2. Relationships are not being built outside of pre-existing friendships.

3. Conversation staying surface level and not not edifying believers. 

4. Moms have a hard time participating while watching kids.

I want to exhort us that for a house church to be successful, we must address all of the above issues. And a few basic biblical principles can go a long way if we will apply them wisely. So here are three pieces of advice to getting the most out of House Church.

1. Know what the small group is trying to accomplish, and give yourself to advancing that goal.

Perhaps the best small group that I have ever been a part of was just this summer with the group of Exodus 90 guys. The conversation was not all that great every night; we would mostly do the same thing: each guy would go around and say how they did that week. But the meetings were amazing. We grew together in love, we laughed, we encouraged one another. And part of the reason why it was so successful was because every single person in that group knew exactly what we were trying to accomplish and they voluntarily signed up to go for that goal. We were trying to grow in self discipline, through a set of rules for 90 days, in order to become better men. And every person that was there had bought into that goal. There was no ambiguity. No questioning: why is this guy here? Or what is the point of this meeting? It was crystal clear. 

Our House Churches will grow lifeless when we forget the goal; when we forget what we are trying to accomplish. This forgetfulness is a normal thing in the Christian life. Israel was constantly rebuked for forgetting to obey God and seek Him, and they needed to be reminded regularly. So, we too, can grow cold in our small group gatherings when we forget what we are trying to accomplish. Let me try to stir you up by way of reminder:

What is house church for?

[Act 2:42-47 ESV] “42 And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. 43 And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. 44 And all who believed were together and had all things in common. 45 And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. 46 And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, 47 praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.”

House Church is the primary place where we can seek to live out the life that is described in Acts 2. They were meeting in the temple (perhaps larger group gatherings) and from house to house, they were breaking bread together, they were devoting themselves to fellowship, they were sharing their goods, and they were committed to obeying the apostles’ teaching. It is difficult, if not impossible, to do all of these things in the hour and a half meeting on Sunday morning at the church building. But small groups enable us to do these things.

Notice, if we were going to boil down what was essentially happening in the early church, it was devotion to three things:

-Prayer

-Obedience

-Fellowship

These are also the three things that we are seeking to inculcate in our house churches. How can we be a praying people – that study God’s word and obey it – all while loving each other genuinely in close and honest fellowship?

This is what we are trying to accomplish. This is the goal. This is what you sign up for when you join a small group. And it will only go well if every member of the house church devotes themselves and really buys into all of those things in order to make the house church something that is worth going to!

This does not mean that you have to be a teacher! It does not mean that you have to speak all the time. It does mean that your heart going into house church is not focused only on what you are going to receive from the meeting but about what you can contribute! How has God gifted you? Are you an outgoing, friendly person? How can you turn the charm up to 10 and genuinely love people and show them that you are glad that they are there? Do you love hospitality? How can you make great food to make sure that people really enjoy the meal? Are you feeling like the meetings are stale, and you’ve got a fire in your heart to exhort people to be fervent in zeal? Then do that! The whole point of God gifting different members of the body is to get them to think, how can I use my gifts to contribute and build up the body? If you think that you have nothing to offer, you will be a passive church member, and will be contributing to the problem of a lifeless small group. 

2. Be patient, relax, and be thankful.

One of the things that is unique about college is that you can make friends that go on to be the closest people in your life in all of one semester. It’s a wild time of life! The people that I met on my dorm floor my freshman year are still some of my closest friends. This is because as a college student you are able to constantly be around the people that you are becoming friends with. You see them on your way to class, you play video games for a few hours, you play at the Rec, you stay up late, you go on trips, etc. It’s not uncommon to get breakfast, lunch, and dinner with the same people. All of those hours are accomplishing something, even if it is not easily visible. The more time that you spend with someone, the more that you will grow to love them, if the relationship is healthy.

Notice in Acts the people were meeting day by day – every day! They were spending all kinds of time together and they were doing it with joy! In other words, they were eager to get close to the other Christians. They wanted to make those people their closest friends. It almost seems as if the Christians of the day were shocked that they got to be in the number. They considered it a great honor to be a part of the church; they rejoiced that they would be counted amongst the children of God. how far we fall from that when we grumble about fellowshipping with other believers.

Most of us do not meet everyday, but if a person is eager to get close to people, to really know them and love them, they will eagerly show up at house church and make the most of the time that they do have. One pitfall in that might be to feel like things aren’t moving fast enough; like people aren’t really getting close and loving each other. But we have to remember that even if we are meeting for two hours a week, it would take us 7 weeks to spend as much time as some college students spend together in one week! And 7 years to spend the same amount of time together as they would in a single school year. The solution to this is either: 1. meet together more often 2. have each other over for dinner 3. show up to work days 4. spend weekends together (which is a great option) or 5. be patient. My guess is that most people will opt for the second option, especially with as many families that have young children as we have! 

Keep in mind that relationship-building can sometimes take years, and don’t begrudge that – just make the most of every little house church meeting that you get. Talk to people, laugh together, try to be engaged in building relationships in the small amount of time that you do have, and, like the disciples, do it with joy. Put aside all bitterness, put aside all hunger for glory, kill the complaints that rise up in your heart, and give thanks for the people that God has put in your life. 

And to the moms: there might just be a season of a few years where it is difficult to get a lot out of the small group, but it won’t be forever! We want to patiently raise our kids in this context. it is worth it to have our kids see Christian fellowship and to make that a normal part of their life.

3. Honestly assess your own heart.

House church goes wrong when your heart grows cold towards it. When you stop giving thanks for the time, when you stop looking forward to it, when it becomes life-taking, rather than lifegiving. There should be alarm bells going off in your mind. Sometimes, this is the fault of the leadership. If the leader is actively creating a house church environment where relationships aren’t built, people aren’t studying the word and seeking to obey it, and prayer is not happening, then you should come and talk to me.

But more commonly, the problem that I see is that the leader is bending over backwards trying to make this meeting something valuable and the other house church members are simply unimpressed and wishing that they would do more. When there are a lot of people that feel this way, the mood will spread like a disease and could spell the death of the house church, and the solution is for each person to individually repent of their own complaining and bitter spirit. Instead, they should remember that they have been bought by Christ! That they have been saved from their sins, that they are the elect of God; holy and dearly loved. Each person ought to take this command in Colossians seriously, as applying to themselves first. 

[Col 3:12-17 ESV] “12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

Press on, brothers and sisters – it is a good work! Kill the flesh, give thanks, and put on love which binds us together in perfect harmony. 

Lastly, an encouragement to keep pressing in hope.

In one sense, I relate strongly to the person that is greatly discouraged and saddened by the state of their house church. Not that I am glad that it is not going well, but that sadness displays a Godly discontentment – a hunger for more: more fellowship, more of God, more growth, more love. And when this hope is deferred, it makes the heart sick. And so, let me encourage the member (or leader!) that might be growing discouraged in their house church.

The following comes from the journal of a Methodist in 1762 as he relates their “experience meeting” which was very similar to our house churches:

“One time there were just a few of us, professing believers, gathered together, cold, and unbelievably dead, in a meeting which we called a special service, so discouraged as to doubt whether we should ever meet again. Some were usually absent from every meeting, some in deadly apathy with nothing to say of God nor of their own souls, some given over to the world and its cares, some backslidden completely from all the means of grace and the ordinances of the gospel, some given over to the flesh and its lusts … and I myself well nigh disheartened. … These services were conducted in an incredibly lifeless manner. There was no encouragement for anyone to carry on the work, save only the promise of God, that wherever there were if only two or three coming together in his name, if their purpose were right, however lifeless their present state, he would come to them and bless them. This alone made us come together to pray, but our prayers were not much more than groans.

At last, forced by cowardice, unbelief, and the onslaughts of Satan, we resolved to give up our special meeting, and now we were about to offer a final prayer, fully intending never again to meet thus in fellowship. But it is when man reaches the lowest depths of unbelief that God imparts faith, and when man has failed, that God reveals himself. So here with us, in such straits, on the brink of despair, with the door shut on every hope of success, God himself entered into our midst, and the light of day from on high dawned upon us.”

The diary goes on to say that, in this final prayer, the praying people found new strength to continue on. Indeed, much more than that, all of the men felt compelled to pray and wrestle with God together until the room was filled with weeping, joy, and a renewed strength and love for the Lord. 

After this prayer meeting, the people apparently went on in their small group with renewed hope and strength, because they had a renewed joy. They were seeing souls saved again and were eager to meet together. When our house churches are struggling, it is oftentimes a sign that our people are struggling; that the joy of salvation is weak, and that the love of God seems distant and cold. But we serve a God that is able to bring dead things to life, and we ought to pray like it.